Originally Posted by
GerandTwine 
Ethanol is a drug like any other drug. People take it for the specific effect of that specific drug. For me, putting ethanol in my body created a profound and deep pleasure.
I have been playing mind games with myself all week, well actually ever since I broke my Big Plan a few years ago. But this past week, I decided to take some advice and when I wanted to drink I forced myself to provide one good reason that was even half logical.
I couldn't, but I still wanted to drink. I just kept asking myself, "why?"
I transposed "I" to "it" and all that... still I wanted a drink, but without any logical reasoning.
I realized I had (have) a deep physical craving. Tonight is my first night sober. I haven't made my Big Plan (or reinstated it) formally. I will be alone tomorrow and plan to get up and put my Big Plan back in place.
I know in 4 or so days I won't think much at all about drinking, but I will be aware that my AV never stays quiet for long.
Originally Posted by
GerandTwine I think it’s possible to start to loose that limbic memory after two years of not drinking. So it’s rational to think “What was that like?” “I just want to have a few drinks to remember.” “If I can keep my plan to only have two, cool.” “If I decide to keep drinking after two, not cool.””But, let’s see what happens anyway.””You only live once, right?”
I definitely know this is possible. I am excited about getting sober again for good. At my two week mark or three week mark when my AV attacks feel strong and I get that "feeling," I plan to reach out here if needed.
Originally Posted by
GerandTwine What the Big Plan does, is to completely cut off FOREVER any connection between thought and action about taking more of the drug ethanol. I know that IF ethanol were in my body THEN I would feel a deep pleasure. But, for me, that is an utterly impossible eventuality, not because I don’t want the bad things to happen again, but simply because I cannot forget that I decided “I will never drink again.”
In the RR book I have the explanation of the "Again" portion of the Big Plan double underlined.
"
Again means that the past is a good predictor of the future, and you now have enough experience to make this very import decision to never drink again."
Truth.
Thank you for taking time to respond so thoughtfully.