Originally Posted by
trailmix 
Maybe they do care but they just don't understand. A lot of people, who have never been depressed or seen it up close, don't understand that depression isn't just feeling "sad". So they think oh - Iris is having a bad day and just think it's like when you are just in a funk for a day or two. They don't understand that it's all encompassing and it's not just being sad or feeling sorry for yourself.
About being alone, have you always felt this way or is it just since having the baby?
You also mention that you don't feel you are looking after him as well as you could, but everyone else seems to think you are doing well. What specifically do you think you are not doing well?
I know you have your therapy session coming up and I hope you go even if you haven't showered and have to take the baby with you, they will figure that out (someone to watch the baby or have him with you) when you get there.
You are stronger than you think. You didn't answer his call and you don't need to be doing favours for him either, so good for you on that.
I don’t know,feel like they just don’t care at this point. I could be wrong. I’ve been having issues since I gave birth to him. I mean I was already depressed and stressed, but after him I got really bad. Now I don’t even feel like myself and things have just spiraled down. It’s hard to explain how I feel but I can say I feel really trapped and overwhelmed. Something about being stuck makes me wanna panic. I’ve felt myself getting close to a panic attack a lot lately. It’s just too much for me. Before my son’s father got sentenced to 5 years,I felt like I was more in control of my situation but for some reason when I got that news it hit me that I would for sure be alone. I knew he was crap and he wouldn’t be of any help to me but I don’t know. Again,hard to explain. It’s like the finality of it. Like he wouldn’t ever be back. I have had to shut out the wishful thinking of him changing a lot lately... it’s like I was addicted to fixing him. But what he done to me I can’t forgive him for. I just have to stop myself and try moving forward. It’s hard. All of this is hard. It all hit me like a ton of bricks to the face and I mean when I say that I’m not sure what’s gonna happen,and that freaks me out. Things I know for sure is that I cannot live alone now. I can’t parent on my own without help. Right now that stresses me out beyond anything else. I seriously think of walking off and leaving. Just waiting until someone watches him and then slip out and disappear. I know it sounds bad but I’m just being honest. I don’t feel like I qualify for the job of parenting. I don’t even know why I feel like he’s not okay. I just always feel like he’s gonna die. I don’t know. Irrational fears... i don’t know. Just overwhelmed and I cry every single day. Just can’t take much more. I really cannot.