Originally Posted by
kinzoku 
I am also a binge drinker.
I have often let myself think that those gaps are me "under control".
They very rarely, or perhaps never, are/were.
And even if I had my drinking under control. Well, its under "control". That means its an issue in the first place.
People with healthy relationships towards alcohol don't spend huge amounts of effort trying to "control" their drinking.
I dunno if that is relatable to you. Hope it is.
Yes, this.
If there’s a problem, you have to control it.
If there isn’t, you don’t.
Oh, the mental manipulations around my drinking. I had gym days, days the kids had things going on, days I had to work.....I literally spent most of my time snaking my mind around the days to drink and the days to recover, it was an unreal maze of scheduling. Days I drank I was off to the races (unreal amounts of alcohol) so I needed the drinking day plus the recovery day, needless to say, I missed the mark lots of times, I’d negotiate whether it was worse to do the hard workout, or the workday, after the entire bottle of gin the night before. Then I’d choose my schedule accordingly.
Oh, the sweating, sick, shaking, palpitations, feeling like I might die inside but wearing my game face. Work clothes drenched in sweat.
Game over. Thank God.