Yep, that's the age old conundrum.....wanting to control it but knowing you can't control it. I tried desperately for years to find a way to moderate or control my drinking, but it never worked. The solution that set me free was to eventually just accept that I can't control my drinking - and that quitting completely was the best solution. I also had to quit trying to figure out "why" as there is no logical answer.
And yes, it's hard - but most things in life worth having aren't easy.