Originally Posted by
Givenup2018 
I am supposed to be working a Christian co dependent recovery course thing but it is so hard to stand my ground, I know now why I used to acquiesce and also pretend nothing happened, denial denial denial, I just cannot do that anymore, but this is so difficult. I just cannot get through to him on any level at all unless I pretend that all is well.
Is your program working for you?
In AlAnon, we say, "Work the program, not the problem." Actually, one of the first things to go in the AlAnon approach is calling people out on their bad behavior. That can only ever lead to anger, resentment and emotional wall building because calling out is simply judgment, plain and simple. No one responds well to being negatively judged. Loving detachment isn't about letting others get away with bad behavior, nor is it about making ourselves cold. It's about letting others make their own choices and learning how to not
need as if our lives depend on it. Loving detachment is, at heart, learning how to be more substantial in and of ourselves. Working the program is developing our own strengths and joys, which always makes for better relationships all around.
Flailing to directly improve a relationship with an alcoholic who is not diligently working his own recovery program will only land us in deeper hot water. Trying to get through to him isn't what will help - and it's not entirely because he is so difficult.
Both of you have communication and emotional patterns that are much stronger than you're able to struggle out of as a couple right now. The best course for those of us who are in close communication with an alcoholic who is not in serious recovery is to work our own recovery program. Only then can our relationships improve.