Hi Iris,
Please go to the church. Don't overthink about going. Choose a day, get yourself and baby ready and go. Getting out the house will do you a power of good. You're on your own with your thoughts and it's really not good for your mental health.
I still struggle with what brought me here and due to losing my job, I'm on my own far too much but I'm doing things about that.
Anyhow - back to you. When I had my first son, I adored him. He was such a good baby. It was so easy - I had my hair done, make-up on every day. Didn't understand why I'd been told I'd be tired, run down etc.
Second son was totally different and I didn't feel any rush of love when he was born. I didn't want him and that was that. I remember being in hospital and being so scared and nervous about taking him home. My main problem was night-time. Pacing the floor with a newborn for hours was so tiring and I was so glad of the support I got. However, I knew I had to let my mum dad and sister get back to their lives and get on with mine. I had to get on with being a single parent. I remember my first night of being alone very well and I was anxious and scared but I had to do it and I was actually proud that I managed it. It became easier but that's not to say life was all good because it wasn't for quite a while.
I was dealing with the issues that made me leave the boys dad on top of looking after the boys and it took me a while to actually bond with my youngest and feel the love that I instantly felt for my oldest.
Once you start getting the help you need, I promise you will start to feel better. I'm so sorry that your mum isn't more help. I was extremely lucky with the parents I had. I feel for you, as everyone with a baby needs a break now and then.
I went on and gained a Degree in Criminology, when the boys were still young (they were 10 and 11 when I began uni.) Being a mum is the hardest job you will ever do and it's not all been a walk in the park but you somehow manage to get through it.
There is absolutely nothing 'wrong' with you. You're just a young mum, who is overwhelmed but who can get through this. Please do something today to start the ball rolling.
Keep us all posted.