GerandTwine

Notice how the Addictive Voice in some of the posts has changed my mentioning the “positive” reason to “positive” reasons, plural. The AV loves to try to complicate the very simple “positive” reason that people put the volatile drug ethanol into their blood stream. That one singular reason is to experience the effect of that ethanol on the physical body, especially the central nervous system. How could there be any other reason? Get the ethanol. Get the buzz. Get drunk. End of story.

Ethanol is a drug like any other drug. People take it for the specific effect of that specific drug. For me, putting ethanol in my body created a profound and deep pleasure. When I became highly habituated to the cycle of inebriation-hangover-anticipation-inebriation lots of bad things happened which created a huge list of reasons to NOT drink and they finally won out over that one, singular “positive” reason, when I decided to NEVER drink. Deciding to “NOT drink” is temporary and just part of the hangover and trouble shoooting phase of the appetite cycle.

I know some very classy, sober people who are up in their years and have had one or two glasses of wine almost every day of their adult lives. They are definitely drinking for the effect ethanol has on them, but that effect for me would have been a worthless, tantalizing taster-teaser. I say would have been because I cannot remember what it feels like to be under the influence of alcohol in any degree any more.

I think it’s possible to start to loose that limbic memory after two years of not drinking. So it’s rational to think “What was that like?” “I just want to have a few drinks to remember.” “If I can keep my plan to only have two, cool.” “If I decide to keep drinking after two, not cool.””But, let’s see what happens anyway.””You only live once, right?”

What the Big Plan does, is to completely cut off FOREVER any connection between thought and action about taking more of the drug ethanol. I know that IF ethanol were in my body THEN I would feel a deep pleasure. But, for me, that is an utterly impossible eventuality, not because I don’t want the bad things to happen again, but simply because I cannot forget that I decided “I will never drink again.”