WeThinkNot

Something unexpected happened this morning while I was going through my normal grooming routine. After rinsing my mouth and gargling with alcohol free mouthwash (you can never be too careful right?) I leaned over the sink to spit it out. The water spout was directly at my eye level, I just kept staring at it.

I was a daily drinker along with being a binge drinker on the weekends. I would have binged during the week but I needed to go to that pesky job so I could make money to buy more whiskey. Saturday and Sunday mornings were always rough for me.

I hated waking up and realizing I had forgotten to put a couple of bottles of water on my nightstand the night before. It would take every ounce of will on my part to drag my ass out of bed and walk over to the bathroom. I'd put my mouth around the spout and chug for a good two or three minutes. Then I'd drag my ass back to bed and as soon as I would lay down I'd feel dehydrated again as if the water did absolutely nothing.

I snapped this morning. Just staring at that water spout brought it all back; I angrily threw a bottle of soap across the bathroom and started screaming. Hopefully nobody in my building heard me.

I practice gratitude every morning but it stings knowing you have wasted many years of your life. When I lost my cool I started thinking about all the stupid reasons I had for continuing drinking, they are the same stupid reasons everybody has. "But I don't want to miss out on fun activities! What if my loser friends don't want to hang out anymore?!! What if people judge me?!!"

Dragging my half dead ass out of bed to chug water like a hamster in a cage. Cutting through the nonsense and I realize that this was the status quo I was so gung-ho about clinging on to for dear life.

I hate alcohol. It ignites nothing in my heart except for burning hatred. After letting the anger out I meditated and was grateful for the fact that I'm sober now. I can't undo the past but I can be happy and healthy if I continue working at it.

Thanks for letting me vent here.