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Old 02-20-2019, 03:15 PM
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Pathwaytofree
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Stigmatized by the least expected

I was chatting recently with a retired social worker who used to work in a hospital. He owns a franchise in another field now that he's retired. I used to work in health care and so we were chatting about that. He told me that "People with depression, alcoholics, and addicts, are selfish and don't want to get better." Or something to that effect. He definitely used the word selfish. I was rather floored and didn't know what to say.

Another time, I was at a friend's house for a get together. She's a counselor, not a clinical therapist or psychologist--I can't keep the titles straight. Anyways, she used to be addicted to drugs when she was very young, and recovered on her own. She's very inspirational. She seemed to be the type who was able to walk away from her past with a f*ck it attitude and pull herself up by her boot straps. She's made a great life for herself.

She knows I'm in recovery and see a therapist. She knows a little bit about my history. I don't tell her much, because I don't want our friendship to be based on that stuff. But I know she wants to help where she can as a friend.

I had confided in her that I was recently diagnosed with bipolar 2. I overheard her whisper to her husband in a judgemental tone of voice at this get together "she's bipolar". His response was to grimace and spend the rest of the get together treating me like I had something awful and contagious. She also shared with me one day that she viewed depression as "SELFISH", and that her professors in school also taught her that.

To quote a snip from a recent post on another thread about depression & the 12 steps, "
I wouldn't wish depression on my worst enemy."


First I had to deal with all my family members while I was growing up either teasing me to the point of bullying me, constantly making fun of me, blaming me for how I was acting "lazy", "tired & cranky", "moody", "whiny", etc.. They made it out to be my fault or something I was doing on purpose to be bad, seek attention, or some kind of personality flaw.

Then I had to deal with friends who cut me off because they misunderstood how depression and anxiety makes me act. I've had to fake a smile for a long time, or try to counter act my depressed mood with sugar or coffee.

Or I've been accused by same counselor friend of having "resting bitch face" when it fact I don't have a bitch cell in my body; it's the depression unfortunately seeping out onto my facial expression on the days when I just can't fake a smile.

Or my anxiety gets misunderstood as "this person is anxious which means she's doing something wrong or lying or is crazy" which is none of those things. Here's just one of many examples: My husband's relative once followed me to her bathroom and practically stood outside listening/watching for me but sneaking away as soon as she see me come out. WTF. My gut told me that my anxiety makes people suspicious of me. Which just makes my anxiety that much worse.

Then I finally get to AA and learn how to be authentic instead of hiding my true self or people pleasing. But in AA, I was told repeatedly that depression is selfish and self-centered, anxiety means I'm not trusting God, and that both depression and anxiety mean I'm in ego/my alcoholism and not in spirit/the God within.

I think I wrote once before on here that I had a panic attack 3/4's of the way through an MRI, and my former's sponsor's reaction was a very cold matter of fact "well you didn't invite God." Once again, my panic attack was my fault.

I don't know why this memory keeps coming up, but I once had a next door neighbor I was good friends with. We used to work out together. One time, I was so drained after a 12-step meeting that I called her up and told her that I was very sorry but I was completely drained and not up to working out. She proceeded to basically curse me out for cancelling on her and accused me of selfishly wanting to take a nap instead of keeping my commitment. Our friendship suffered after that. The majority of my friendships and relationships have suffered over the years due to my depression and anxiety. Only a very small handful of people in my life have been able to look past it and see the real me underneath. And none of them family members.

Depression sometimes makes me late. Which makes people think I am disrespectful of their time and disrespectful of them. I've driven way above the speed limit in the past just so I don't p*ss people off when trying to get out of bed to take a shower, brush my teeth, and try to look presentable and cover up my depression and anxiety. (Nowadays if that happens, I call. And my therapist reminds me if I'm feeling depressed, to try to be ready 15 minutes sooner).

I forget things. And then I'm constantly teased by family or "friends" about being ditzy or absent-minded. One time I hadn't seen a family member in a number of years, and the first thing she did was very loudly and arrogantly point out something trivial that I forgot. My best friends in high school used to tease me constantly of being ditzy and absent minded. I don't mind being teased in a friendly elbow jabbing sort of way. (I miss my ex brother in law who was like that). But my friends and family did it to another level. To put me down and raise themselves up.

People take how my depression/anxiety makes me act personally, like that I don't care or something. Or I'm too depressed to send cards, answer letters, or keep in touch. Yes something as simple as going to the store, buying a card, filling it out and mailing it can be challenging for someone with depression. Yet everyone just thinks you don't care. When your depressed and anxious thoughts completely overwhelm you and suck you down into that big black hole, it's hard to be a good friend. And then people misunderstand you.

The simple act of picking up the phone to say hello to someone is challenging. Sometimes I've been able to fake not being depressed for a few minutes, but other times it's just impossible to put on a happy face and have a friendly conversation when depressed. It sucks the energy out of you when you have to go to work and deal with people and not let them see a single dot of depression slip out of you. No one wants to deal with a depressed person. They think what's wrong with you, snap out of it, get over it, you have a lot to be happy about. They blame you for your depression. Would you blame someone for being diabetic?

I was very honest with my GP years ago when I first had to tell him my history. I told him *everything*. I know a lot of people withhold or lie. I didn't. I respect health care professionals. I am fortunate that he respects me. But I hate that my medical history is now out there for everyone to read (a neighbor of mine is on staff there), stigmatize me for, gossip about, or whatever.

When I was in middle school, I was very depressed for a number of reasons. It got so bad that I wasn't taking care of my hygiene and my grades were dropping really bad. I was sleeping a lot and often missed the bus because I just couldn't get out of bed. My mother and family members treated me like I was being "moody", "attention-seeking," and "lazy". I was ignored by 99% of adults who could've helped me.

In college I was a pro at hiding my depression and anxiety. But I still had trouble getting out of bed from it. There was a teacher who warned us he'd drop us a grade if we were always late. It was an early class. I was always 5-10 minutes late because depression and anxiety sucked the life out of me. He said we should tell him if there was a reason for being late. I had no self-awareness at the time that that's why I was late, because I was raised to believe my feelings didn't matter, only my parents' feelings mattered, stuff my feelings in, and be good, be good, be good, be good.... which meant put a ******* smile on your face, clasp your hands together on your lap, sit up straight and don't make your parents look bad. Being depressed or anxious made them look bad. And made them say that I was bad. Truth is I was a good kid. But I didn't believe it until a therapist said it. And that my depression and anxiety WERE NOT MY FAULT.

It took me a very long time to admit to my depression and anxiety. I still to do this day have difficulty with it because of being made to feel like it was my fault, a character flaw, etc. And then with my experience in AA over it, it's made that even worse.

When will the stigma end?

I'm ****** just sick and tired of it.

Last edited by Opivotal; 02-22-2019 at 07:17 AM. Reason: Rule#9
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