Originally Posted by
Jaguar55 
I'm not the same person I was 15 years ago or even 5 years ago. I live in desolation. I live with self loathing. I have been able to improve a few things in my life. Despite him. But I live a desperate life devoid of joy. Don't for a minute kid yourself. If you stick around with your alcoholic desolation is your destiny. Run, don't walk, to the nearest exit.
Jag, do you care to share what has happened to prompt you to post right now? Was there something that triggered this outpouring? And are there some personal circumstances that make you feel you can't escape now?
Your description of how you feel about yourself reminded me of when I was drinking. After drinking the night before I would wake up in the morning hating myself, and then go on and drink again that evening. I wanted out so badly but had had multiple attempts to moderate, only to start again.
What helped me was a series of small steps. Talk to my doctor. Look up the subject online. Confide in some friends. Eventually it all added up to a strong desire to take action, 7 years ago. It's not like life is perfect, but at least I don't have that awful burden to bear.
I hope you can relate your situation to mine. It's not easy to take action, but once you have you'd never go back.