lightanddark

My relationship with alcohol has always been one of love and hate.
I remember my first night out well. I was maybe 17, and it was an 18th in a bar and everyone was getting served despite being underage. I remember the nervousness me and my friend felt before heading out, the excitement. What I also remember was lying in a pile of cut grass in the field next to the bar to be found by my friends when they were leaving. I don't remember getting there and I don't remember passing out and whacking my head against the ground when I got home. I tend to do that when I black out, face first, how I still have all my teeth is a real miracle.

I didn't know it then, but that was the first blackout in a series that has lasted almost 5 years. They really started becoming an issue about two years ago. I was in a relationship, and my self-destructive behavior couldn't be resigned to some dark corner of my psyche. No, with her it affected another person, I could see what it was doing to me, to my relationship etc, but I really didn't want to see. I wanted to drink and have fun more than that, or maybe it was more of a deep-down self hatred that I used alcohol to cover up. Whatever the reason, no matter how bad the blackout or what I had done, I went back to drinking again eventually.

It would always start the same. Ah I can have two beers surely, then it would increase the next time. "Well if I had two beers and I was fine that night, four won't hurt right?". The problem is that after four beers I have already forgotten the horrible experiences I had already had from binge-drinking. The injuries, the money spent, people hurt, the shame, all of these emotions were in that dark corner locked away now with the alcohol in my system. They would not be remembered till the next morning.

Drugs and alcohol for me are intertwined, I don't do drugs sober, but my drug problem would always involve me being too drunk to make good decisions. Like the blackouts, I knew what drugs do to my mental health, but I would consing all of that away and do them anyways.

Last night was my second blackout this month. I saw my counselor after the one two weeks ago, and with her knowing my life experience with substances, she told me the only way to stop this cycle and get at my actual issues was to give up alcohol. I said I would go to an addictive behaviors group and try and "moderate", I can do that right? I probably knew it at the time but didn't want to recognize it, but how many times had I said it to myself that I would quit, then that I would moderate, only to end up in a pit of despair and regret following another night.

Me saying I would moderate was actually the first stage of the cycle, even as I talked about how done I was with it and how bad I felt because of it, I couldn't give it up. I swore to myself I would not blackout again, that I would control my drinking. I said this two years ago too, but yet here I am now again.

I woke up last night outside my front door. I had fallen, my face is a bit cut which is horrible as I might have a very important job interview in the next week. Also for someone with social anxiety, having cuts on your face is not the kind of attention you want to be getting!

I took drugs when I was conscious of my decisions, and this is the second blackout and the second drug taking night of the month caused by alcohol. I lie to my girlfriend, I lie to my family, my friends, I lie to myself about my problem.

My father is an alcoholic. These alcohol related decisions and events have caused me such trouble in my life. I can't control my drinking when I do drink on most occasions. I have injuries. I have woken up with an empty bank account. But worst of all it is when I am doing well, when I'm feeling good, that I self-destruct with alcohol.

I for some reason, do not feel as bad as I usually do following an incident like this. I mean don't get me wrong I feel horrible, and maybe I will feel even worse tomorrow. But I am sure of my intention now. I am sure of it. I am giving up alcohol.

My last post was 2 years ago on this site claiming the same, then it was after a considerably worse turn of events and I'm lucky the worst thing that happened last night is I fell. But my god, I am done with this suffering.

I know what I need to do. It's that first stage of the cycle, the buying of the ticket for a journey that has an inevitable end. It could be 5 months with no issues, but another blackout always happens, another night of drug taking always happens. I know this is not going to be easy, we all know the place alcohol has in social life for many and in society as a whole. But the payoff will be worth it.

What would I trade to have woken up today injury free and carefree? I'll make the obvious one. I'll trade the thing that put me here in the first place.