Originally Posted by
Ringo123 
Hi PTF,Intimacy, I don't much like even saying the word. At least that was how I felt before recovery, therapy and being sober/abstinent several years.
It's a tough word. Right up there with religion, politics, and money.
I no longer blame childhood trauma (violence and molestation), moving every couple of years, an alcoholic father, victim mother, my eating disorder or alcoholism, etc, etc. for my aloofness and difficulty maintaining friendships.
I give you a lot of credit for that growth. I stayed in the blame game for far too long. I still catch myself in therapy doing so. It was easier to blame then to do the hard work myself.
I chose sponsors who I knew wouldn't press me much hence my healing from the 12 Steps was very slow.
Same here. I took too long through the steps. My sponsee has slowed up but I'm trying to gently nudge her.
With my first OA sponsor, I knew her a year before going to her house. Too intimate. I went to her work place which is not conducive to step work.
I know what you mean. I do things like this, too. I keep people at an arm's distance. I never went to my former sponsor's house, but we used to talk on the phone a lot like close friends. My current sponsee I can tell has trouble opening up. I agree that work places are not conducive to step work. I tried that a few times with a temporary sponsor and was uncomfortable.
My work had me moving often; I can't remember the names of all my AA sponsors.
And that was likely comfortable for you I imagine.
But you know what? The combination of the 12 Steps healing power of love, therapy, continuing to practice being a friend, and seeking God's will for me have all brought much joy and dare I say, intimacy, into my life. My world is huge today.
That is inspiring.
Lastly, like SoberCAH, I am happily married to my best friend and confidant. I feel so very safe with my husband. Kinda cool that I noticed this post on intimacy seeing that today is Valentine's Day.
That is so cool. I think a lot of us alcoholics didn't feel safe with people and that's one reason we drank. Intimacy of any kind was scary. Vulnerability. Being our true selves.
That's a funny coincidence it's Valentine's Day! :-)
I do wish, though, that people in society would put more of a focus on love for self, friends, others, than just romantic love. We can't love others if we don't love ourselves.
Developing friendships with women continue to be a challenge but not impossible!
Same here........ It's been one part of my sobriety I still struggle greatly with.
I have a feeling in retirement (starting Jan 2020) I'll make significant progress as I'll have more time to get together.
That's exciting to be retiring in less than a year.
Your sponsee is fortunate to have a caring sponsor such as yourself.
Thank you!
Focus on the Steps and you can't go wrong!
I finally learned this by sponsee #3.