Hi Again,

i am fairly well read on alcoholism, I am in denial. Also she literally saved my life 2 years ago and it is difficult for me to leave her behind with her addiction. I just can’t do it yet, maybe not at all. I don’t owe her my life, or our children’s, but I do feel I am endebted to do all I can, to a point, to help her. I’m not there yet.

I do believe there is a co-occuring disorder. It started with post partum 4 years ago and has progressed to this. instead of seeking help for her depression and stress, she drank. Her mantra that she has repeatedly stated over the last month is “I don’t break”, yet yesterday she admitted to being broken. Still she drank. The withdrawal symptoms overwhelm her and she keeps telling me I don’t know what it’s like. Hence her request for detox, vivitrol, and individual therapy. She says rehab was like being thrown into a gauntlet and she manipulated everyone, that it was easy. Reminds me of the book “ King Rat”.

Said at first she was remorseful and working hard and then started thinking about something I did 15 years ago and she stopped and it consumed her. Even though during our entire relationship she said she had forgiven me. And no I didn’t cheat. I called bs that blaming others is the exact opposite of taking responsibility. It’s an excuse.

By snap out of it I meant, to stop drinking and aggressively seek help, on her own. The brain damage is obvious as her behavior over the last year is the polar opposite of who she was for the prior 13. Memory loss, outbursts. It’s incredibly shocking and confusing.

She was crying off and on yesterday, drunk and sober, saying how sorry she is. Wants to stop, doesn’t know how. She’s scared. We are all scared.

Sorry if its rambling, lots going on between the ears.

Thank you