We have a vendor in town tmrw morning and my boss asked me to set up dinner for tonight. I panicked and Iím claiming divine intervention that they are arriving too late for dinner!
Lots o f lessons learned.
- I was pissed that my boss made me look like an a$$ by requesting a dinner the same day... it was for tonight. So I was a bit riled up about that.
- I would have been at the same nice restaurant where I had my last drunk which entailed blacking out and rolling in at 4am. Still no idea what happened other than the vendor ordered a gazillion bottles of wine and we were all wasted. Classy, right?
- Iíve been back there since then and ordered soda water. But that was w my husband and not a vendor. Will they think I have a problem if I order water? Will my boss wonder why Iím not drinking? It was sheer panic on my part just at the thought of being back there with a vendor.
So what did I learn...
I did not have a good survival plan in place for this type of situation. Iím fine ordering water when Iím out w friends. But I havenít broached the work situation yet. I actually considered just two glasses of wine and never drinking again until I must just to play it off w colleagues. Again. That terrifies me.
I am still so weak and cannot let my guard down.
In the midst of my panic I decided if I had to do dinner where I know the drink would be flowing w work people i would claim that I had migraine meds in me and couldnít mix. It would be believable.
And on top of that, I had to go they my iCloud today to find an old photo and in almost every photo Iím with a group or with my husband drinking. Wow... such a huge part of my life it was. Prob explains why he was always so angry at me. I was brought back to memories like... oh this is us all having drinks at the beach cottage before he found me passed out on the deck with my pants at my knees bc I peed out there. How disgusting. Or... oh, here I am completely hungover at a Red Sox game and oh look... here I am the night before getting hammered at the Boston opera house with my husband beside me looking furious. Seriously... it was like my drunk life and my fckd up marriage in pictures.
I forgot what the point of this post was initially but I hugely grateful there is no vendor dinner tonight and Iím also grateful for the stroll down memory lane.
Seeing the pregame photos where we were all having fun and knowing what came after almost every single time is just a reminder that I could never consistently moderate and a reminder that my marriage is a gaziilion Times better when my husband doesnít have to babysit me, wonder where I am at 4am or find my passed out somewhere.