Livingonwishes

Hi All,

Last Saturday I reached my 8 week sober mark and tomorrow (Thursday 24/1) I reach the two month mark.

I'm not sure how I have got here. Don't get me wrong I am proud and grateful to have managed to be sober this long but I don't know what I have done to achieve it.

I stopped drinking on the 25/11/2018 and have been attending AA at least once a week (Twice when I can) and in all that time I haven't shared. I just feel that I have nothing to offer as everyone has been sober for so much longer and has already been through and done everything I am going through now. I think it's mainly because I don't know where to start because I have got to where I am without having really done very much or having a plan or going through detox etc.


I am here, I am sober. Yes I have trouble expressing my feelings and maybe that is part of it. That and I don't feel I can throw myself into the whole sobriety thing. I don't feel any passion for telling my story and don't feel I have any words of wisdom for new comers. I see friends who I spent most of our relationship drinking and getting drunk with and now they have a spark and a passion borne of their sobriety and a confidence to share things that I just seem to be lacking.


I know that AA don't require you to speak or to share your experiences but I am finding my reticence to speak is becoming an issue in my head. Even when I have the opportunity to say something, I find myself waiting till the end of the meeting and then using the closure of sharing as an excuse for having said nothing , the whole "We ran out of time so I couldn't" excuse.


Even in my counselling I can't speak out. I keep quiet and only speak if I am asked a direct question. Yes I gain a lot out of just listening and that fuels my motivation to stay sober but I feel embarrassed that I can't participate fully, that whatever I say will have no value to anyone .


Having said that I have just shared on here but I think that is because it totally anonymous. I don't have to look people in the eye or see how bored they are if I just sit here as a keyboard warrior.


I think that, having maintained my sobriety for this long and seen people I care about become stronger though being sober and the support they get from AA etc , my motivation and desire to stay sober are stronger than ever but I just can't find my voice in the real world and I don't know whether that is going to be my downfall.


Thank you for listening....