Two Years Old!!
I celebrate my two year soberversary today.
I drank for different reasons at different periods in my life. When I was 17, I had my first drink, which was a California Cooler. I drank to escape from a dysfunctional and abnormal family. In my mind, the cool kids partied. The uncool kids didn’t. Drinking made me feel like I fit in, like I was “normal”. I thought I was prettier, funnier, even smarter when I drank. I valued being part of the in-crowd more than anything in life. I lived by everyone else’s standards.
In college I drank for the same reasons. There was also a work hard/play hard mentality. I’d stay up all night for finals, then party with my friends as a reward for hard effort. I understand how this later led to feelings of being triggered during any accomplishment or celebratory time, whether it was running a marathon, a big work goal, or a champagne toast after the birth of my child. Alcohol permeates our society.
Drinking in my 30’s was about unwinding at the end of a stressful work day, and the perceived sophistication that goes with drinking fine wine. I was a bit of a wine snob.
When I had my son, I felt alone, judged and insecure as a parent. Ultimately, my son was diagnosed with Aspergers, but it took a few years to figure this out. During that time, my drinking took a turn for the worse. I had postpartum depression. But my doctor also said I had something called complex PTSD which is due to a combination of unprocessed past traumatic experiences and present similar trauma/stress on a continuous basis.
My first morning drink was during a particularly bad tantrum. The pediatrician had suggested if you can’t give him a time out, give yourself a time out. On impulse I grabbed a left over bottle of wine from the night before and locked myself in the closet at 8 am. I stayed there for over an hour while my son continually screamed and tried to kick down the door. My little closet bar idea was born at this time. While the morning drinking was not a frequent occurrence, I can’t begin to explain the shame I felt when I did it, especially the times I drove my son to school.
My drinking got progressively worse from this point on. I often drank alone. I began to not care if I lived or died. I started mixing alcohol with Vicodin, Valium and other medications with the goal of total escape and oblivion. I started to have health problems. Aside from bad skin, my liver tests were elevated, I developed borderline diabetes, and neuropathy.
My recovery began about five years ago. I started educating myself on the effects of alcohol. My favorite book was Allan Carr’s The Easy Way to Control Alcohol (which is to stop completely). Clean by David Scheff was also great. I learned how alcohol depletes serotonin and causes chemically induced depression and anxiety. I learned how alcohol floods the brain with dopamine but depletes dopamine receptor sites which is why, as alcoholics, we are always chasing that high and can never get enough. I also read countless recovery stories, which inspired me.
The damaging health effects and the recovery reading, while helpful, we’re not enough to stop me from drinking. I had several relapses, each one worse than the last. It wasn’t until I started to change myself spiritually that I started to see real progress. I went to therapy to get to the root of my drinking, come to terms with my past, learn healthy coping strategies and replacement thoughts, behaviors and habits to deal with life’s ups and downs. I studied neuroplasticity (Rick Hanson has written great books on this - Buddha’s Brain, and Hardwiring Happiness). This idea changed my life. I still do yoga, meditation (I love Insight Timer. YouTube also has some good stuff) and journaling. I exercise a lot, mostly running. I made changes with my social life and separated myself from people with negative energy (mostly heavy drinkers). I now check in to SR everyday. I guard against complacency. I believe that when we help others, we also help ourselves. I practice gratitude everyday. There is always a silver lining and something to be grateful for. Sharing this here with others in recovery keeps things in perspective and makes me feel connected. Recently I discovered recovery podcasts. There are even those which connect sobriety with special interests, such as Unruffled, which focuses on creativity in sobriety. I believe we all must play the hand we are dealt in life. We can’t control everything. I strive to control what I can through being proactive, resourceful and seeking support when I need it in all areas of my life. I work on letting the rest go. I am always exploring new ways to strengthen my sobriety.
My biggest struggles are when I feel disconnected, overwhelmed and lack of control over a difficult situation. In these times, I think of these quotes:
This too shall pass
When things go wrong, don’t go with them
Don’t look back. That’s not the direction you are going.
Life is still challenging, But it is so much better sober. My skin looks so much better, I lost 20 lbs, all my tests returned to healthy levels, I sleep better, feel more stable emotionally, finances are better, my connections with others are deeper, I am a better parent, better problem solver, and I am more present.
For those struggling, don’t ever give up on yourself. Be patient with your process, stay connected to others in recovery, and keep searching for what will work for you to break the cycle. Nothing changes overnight. Life is a marathon not a sprint