Hi all,
Writing on this forum because last time I was active here (over 4 years ago now), I found this area to be the place where I felt most at home as my DOC has always been weed.
In spring of 2014, my husband and I quit drinking and smoking as there was a legal incident that scared both of us silly. Hubs is more of a drinker than a smoker, so he began attending AA and I primarily used these forums at that time.
Things went really well for us...for about two and a half months. I got a new job that summer and we found ourselves with some extra money, which quickly turned into us smoking again "just for a night." Needless to say, that snowballed and within another couple of months we were still not drinking, but back to smoking close to $200 of weed every few weeks.
From then on, I told myself two things (both lies)....#1 that I NEEDED the weed in order to be mentally healthy. With the growing popularity of dispensaries (I live in a state where it's medicinally legal and recreational is likely on the dockets for 2020) and the great
PR the drug has received, I'd convinced myself the stuff was medicine. #2 I told myself that this was the "better option," that hubs would likely not relapse on alcohol if he at least was able to smoke. My friends, that was not the case either. Not only did he (as most addicts unfortunately do) have a handful of one-day relapses over the years, but in 2017, decided to begin "casually" drinking again.
This relapse in 2017 turned into both of us drinking and smoking together again, and before long, things were starting to feel the way they did before it all turned to **** in 2014. The only differences were that there were no legal issues forcing us to stop, and that our financial problems didn't feel as pressing.
Fast forward to this past fall. By this time, we'd both discussed that our casual drinking had gotten out of hand and agreed to stop. Well, on our 5 year wedding anniversary, my husband secretly bought a bottle and got drunk enough to pass out and ruin what should have been a really special night. After that, he promised the drinking would stop.
Since then, I admit there were a couple of nights that we chose to drink together anyway. We did, however, quit smoking a few days before Thanksgiving, something that we have both stuck to. I'm very happy about that, and proud I've made it this long. However, my resolve has been shaky as of late, because....
...two nights ago, I discovered a stash over about 14 empty alcohol bottles. Turns out, my husband, who's been dealing with his depression (he was clinically diagnosed before we met) and recent unemployment (his most recent workplace closed) by drinking. I feel so stupid, because I honestly had no idea...last time, the drinking problem was very blatant, very obvious. How did I not know this time??? The worst part is that since he was unemployed, money that I was working hard for was being used.
So we obviously had a long talk and his parents got involved, as they are a huge support system for him. He broke down, realizing that he needs to get back into a program with AA...it has been years now since he's attended a meeting, as there was a point (when we were both high all the time duh) where we told ourselves he didn't need AA anymore. What's funny as he'd been casually mentioning AA to me over the past month or so, saying he wants to go because the meetings helped his mental health all those years ago...I found it odd as I thought he wasn't really actively drinking (outside the handful of times we imbibed together)...now I see that was almost a cry for help from him. Since this discovery, he's already attended one meeting and has another one tonight, and another tomorrow. He's basically starting out with a meeting every single day, something he didn't even do the first time we got sober, at least not after he got out of an IOP therapy that lasted a month.
So while I'm happy about him taking his addiction seriously and proud of the steps he's made so far, my resolve to not hide away and smoke has been pretty shaky. I think about before, and how I convinced myself that by smoking I'd eliminate the other problems, the other addictions. And the stupid AV in my brain is like "yeah, yeah, you're right...you'll feel better if you smoke."
I HAVEN'T done that yet, and financially speaking, cannot afford to do that at all. I guess I'm just using this thread to vent, because I really could use the support to stay strong. In four days, I'll have two months clean from pot again, and I want to surpass the record I had last time I was active on these forums. I think I can do it, but support obviously helps!!!
For the record, I'm also looking into Al-Anon, as I think it'll help me understand my husband more as he continues his AA journey. I also have a history of alcoholism in my family, so alcohol has caused me a lot of trauma basically for my entire life.
Sorry this was so long. This is the first place I'm speaking about this outside with my husband and his parents. If you've made it this far into my story, you deserve a medal.
XO