Great post!
I just wanted to chip in and say hi to Maggy and Sassy
I too am at a similar "stage" (if indeed this thing follows any kind of pattern at all) and have been struggling with the thought that I have been slowly descending the relapse ladder recently. My self care has been slipping and as a result my vulnerability to an "eff it" moment feels like it has been heightened. I have ready many posts from others who have gone back out after multiple years of sobriety and whilst of course this one of my biggest fears I naively thought that once I got, say, a year under my belt (I will soon have 18 months) I would be comfortably out of the danger zone. No. For me I am experiencing the perhaps necessary warning signs which serve towards acceptance that this thing we have is for life and no amount of time will make it go away. Christmas was like a slap I the face at times and at one point I was sobbing uncontrollably so strong was my craving for an "out" which for me was alcohol. I believe that maintaining a healthy fear of what going back would actually mean is essential. The past was utter chaos, it hurt and upset those I love and eventually became outright dangerous. I don't ever want to get too far away from the memories of that no matter how upsetting those memories may be because they keep me safe from the slippery slope of complacency back down to the bottom of a bottle.
This is why it is so important that we stay connected here (or to our recovery programme of choice) because the real world and even those who love us the most don't understand. As far as they are concerned I am cured and fine. In many ways I am indeed fine. I am still utterly grateful for every sober day and life is much much better. But it will never ever go away. I am addicted for life and no amount of sober time will change that.
So in my typically long-winded style I empathise and totally get you.
Take care and have a great day all xxx