Hi Wamama!
I can only touch on a few things from your post, things I can relate to.
I've been in Al-Anon for roughly 5 years and my RAW entered AA about the same time. Sure, there were some tough times even a year later. There are some tough times 5 years later. For us, the program reveals more about ourselves as we're fit to receive. No more and no less. That might not make much sense but as others have suggested, working on and around step 4 can be hard. Making a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves isn't always sunshine and unicorns. (Don't forget to highlight the good things)
Anyway, yeah, recovery can bring up some bad medicine and people have to work through it as best as they can. It doesn't make wrongful treatment of another person okay. I can only pray for you and your family in that regard.
As far as sleeping in your room/bed? Hey! I moved to my own room and I ain't coming back. Why? I love my own bed. I love to sprawl out. I don't wake up because of someone else. I can hog all the covers I want. In the end, I sleep well and for me, that is a blessing. I spent so many sleepless nights and I'm sure most people can related to that. I spend alot of time sleeping. It better be good. Now, I could play a game with myself. Yeah. My kids won't learn proper love because their daddy doesn't sleep in bed with mommy. Naw. Forget that fear based stuff. My kids are happy cause I play with them and I can do that because I'm not dragging arse around the house due to sleep deprivation. I decided to take care of my needs first so I can tend to others.
Speaking of my needs...Ever hear of HALT? Are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired? Tend to those needs first. It's for you. Nobody else. The moment I slowed down enough to take care of those things for me, was when I was able to tackle some of the tougher things. For me, there was a clarity of my mind. I believe once that clarity arrived, I no longer needed to validate myself to my RAW. I was validating myself and that freed me from the clutches of external dependencies. It all takes practice and doing things slightly different than I used to. I had to change my own behavior and do so in a way that held zero expectations for anything beyond that which I could expect from myself.
I hope this doesn't come off as too lofty. I remember my earlier years with this disease. I'm only speaking from my own experiences here.
Take what you want, leave the rest.