Wamama48

I've been really down on myself the past few months because we are in dire financial straights because I can't work. My Bipolar depression has not been well controlled this past year, m due to a bunch of things I realized I needed to work on, and the PTSD issue is really affecting my life. Add in my RAH with his ups and downs, our marriage, helping our boys etc.

My RAH has been stuck (his words) on step 4 for several months. He said his sponser has been encouraging him to start step 4, and a few people at his AA meetings have been encouraging him to start too.

He has become grouchier and more self absorbed. He says he's depressed and doesn't have much motivation. Knowing that, I must have been crazy to think I could count on him for some support.

I see a councelor twice a month, she is wonderful and I'm making good progress. I have shared with her that my depression has gotten worse. This past week, my thoughts before I fall asleep are " I really don't care if I wake up in the morning." I'm not suicidal, I've suffered from depression for 25 plus years. I know when that thought creeps in I need a med change. So don't be worried, I got this. I wrote my husband a letter, which I do on occasion, when something is too painful to talk about. How I feel like a loser because I can't work, I feel embarrassed and ridiculous when I get triggered with the PTSD, knowing whatever drunk person I see can't hurt me.

I gave him the letter. Two days later he hadn't said anything about it. I asked him if he read it, he did. I told him it was really hard for me to open up and lay out my insecurities like that. It's something I'm working on in therapy. It's not as hard as I thought it would be ��

He asked what I had expected from him reading it. I said I just expected some reassurance from him that I wasn't a loser, he could see I was really trying? Then I get the "expectations lead to resentment" line. I told him it's completely normal to expect support from a spouse. He says there is no normal, what is normal?! And walked out.

Tonight I tried talking to him, to say it took a lot for me to open up to him and admit those things. He then started criticizing the very things I asked for support on.

He says he can't understand the whole PTSD thing, what's my problem, and that it's been a year since he quit and I'm still stuck on it, I haven't made any progress, and that it's not up to him to clean up my side of the street. I didn't ask him to fix it! Just to offer some kind of support. He's capable of saying "you're working hard, you'll get there." Six little words! My 8 year old grandaughter can do that! And also I'm "blowing things out of proportion and just being difficult".

He has never, not even when he was drinking, been so cruel to me. He has never taken what I've confided in him and used it to attack me. That's the last time I'll open up to him.

I don't know what's going on with him. But I've stuck it out through his hard times in recovery, I've waited for him to work through the demons he had to face. I've been mostly patient waiting for him to make changes so he can act like a grown a** man and be a contributing member of the marriage. I didn't even want to work on the marriage, he did.

But he's made big changes and he's come a long way. Our marriage slowly came back. All that stopped a few months ago.

I'm not saying I've been a saint, I have been moody and depressed myself, sometimes downright unpleasant, at times. I know so many of you have been horribly abused, both physically and emotionally. This might seem like small potatoes to you. But the scope of me making a huge leap and opening up to him, and him using it to hurt me, is a huge thing.

I don't want to even be in the same room with him, much less drive him anywhere. He can figure out his own way to meetings and anywhere else he wants to go. If he can't at least treat me with basic human kindness, he can walk. He has his cane and a flashlight, I'm sure someone will feel sorry for him and give him a ride. Or not. I don't care.

Honestly, I don't think there's any coming back from this. The trust that had been very slowly built is gone. The past few days I'm sure the boys have felt the tension.

My 17 year old has really come a long way this past year, kind of working on his own recovery. But since yesterday he's been telling me he feels nauseated, his stomach hurts and he's biting his hands again. I've been sick to my stomach for 2 days because I know what that means

In the morning he will find out I've moved back into my own room, and I'm scared. What he's doing is a pre-cursor to meltdowns.

Neither one of us is strong enough to hold him down anymore. He's 6 feet tall and very strong! It destroys me to see him biting himself and banging his head into things until he bleeds. I'm crying my eyes out the whole time he's in a meltdown. We send our 12 year old to our room and tell him to lock the door. When the meltdown is over he just cries and cries and says he's sorry. It rips my heart in two!

Any advice on what to tell my son about me moving into my own room again is welcomed. What my RAH has said to me may not seem like a big deal to you, but it is teetering on the edge of a deal breaker for me. I'm sick of waiting for him to get his crap together!

My granddaughter had her tonsils taken out yesterday. I'm going to visit her, take a bunch of board games and craft materials and have some fun. ��