jimmyJlover

Thank you for the feedback. I have not been to AA yet. I say "yet" because I am leaning that way and looking at some local spots to attend. But I am really nervous about going, not entirely sure why. If I ask myself, the only reasoning would be the feeling of commitment. I don't want to do anything half assed per say. That is really not a good answer I know.

A few things I currently do for early sobriety are; using SR as a tool of communication, listening to podcasts (RE Recovery Elevator), and staying in tune with this "thing" as an alcohol problem that requires a constant reminder of what it was like to drink. I often think back of all the negatives drinking gave me, knowing the health consequences.

I truly believe that somewhere I crossed a line of drinking and suddenly I was not in control. Yeah sure, I could "control" my choice to drink, I'm not dumb in realizing I had a choice. But often it felt like I didn't have a choice. Not if I wanted to stave off the nausea, headaches, anxiety, chest palpitations, restlessness, insecurities, dizziness, and physical pain alcohol would leave me with if I went too long without it. F that, I don't want that life again.

I knew over the last year my drinking was a problem, I just gave into it. There was no asking myself, "am I an alcoholic?", I had already done that years ago. This time I planned a taper and knew I had to stick with it. I knew in my heart I was not this person. I had numerous goals; career, physical, personal, hobby, etc. that I knew would NEVER be accomplished if I continued to drink.

For example, a promotion with work. If I continued to drink, I wasn't going to be able to wake and be attentive in the early morning as needed, give 100% of myself, be around social situations without intense anxiety, and most of all...I would never be able to miss a day/night of drinking, so if any of my newly challenged goals required time away from drinking, I was screwed. Drinking was inhibiting normal everyday activities, prohibiting me from thinking I could accomplish even the faintest of a goal.

Circling back to the AA question. One thing I have started to believe over the last 2 months is that I need to pick something for a foundation to stay sober, and adapt to whatever that model is. There are numerous ways to stay sober, I need to pick one. I do believe in the philosophy of AA. Noted in my writing, I am powerless if I drink alcohol. I don't know the rest which is why I need to find a model of living and go with it. I need some direction for sure.

If anyone read this whole post, wow...you're awesome lol. Thanks to everyone.