So far coming here has been a staple. Recently I started listening to podcasts for alcohol recovery, primarily people's stories of experience and hope, based on AA. I believe having a reminder of "what it was like" will be the key to my remaining alcohol free. I cannot forget those hardships as I start to feel solid under my feet again. I have 1-2 friends who don't drink and 1-2 who drink normally and don't care if you drink or not. But, my close "brothers" all drink heavily.
5 years ago I made it three months without drinking. It was great, but I plagued myself with the mental game of "what if" and ultimately decided I could drink again. Then, 3 years ago I racked up two months for various reasons and fell into a depression per say. Not clinically, but I am not stupid to realize I was depressed. I drank again, but this time I remember distinctly saying to myself, "I like not drinking, so of course I will drink this weekend but will certainly go back to not drinking for another few weeks". Nope, it lasted maybe 1 week before I was right back to everyday. Last year I made it alcohol free for a week.
Something happened 2 years ago. Drinking became different. I became physically addicted. No need to go into details, you all know. This last year has been hell mentally and physically. Drinking became methodical. I drank alcohol when I didn't even want to, I had to. The reason I stated earlier this time feels different, is because I am holding onto something I didn't have before, and that is determination and confidence. I want this. There are goals I have set forth in which alcohol plays no part but a negative destroying aspect. I envision myself as a sober living individual now.
I want to say something to those who read this though, it was a hell unto myself, as outwardly I probably looked normal or just tired from too much work. The reasoning for making this statement is over the last few weeks I have discussed with several folks the stereotype of being a drunk. I didn't portray that. I don't think a lot of folks do. It is is important to relate to others if you are researching for yourself in regards to having a drinking problem or not. I want people to know that yes it was hell, but I wasn't under the bridge with a brown bag. This alcohol problem can happen to many folks and appearance is deceiving. So if you're here reading and asking yourself if you have a problem, your outward life may not be in shambles, yet your inner self might be exhausted with this problem. You decide. I hated myself.
I appreciate you all letting me ramble on this. It helps to put it down, adding my accountability of why I am here.
I am nervous about setting foot in an AA meeting. First, because I'm afraid of seeing someone I know and being outed the first week. I really don't want that. Second, I just don't want to feel ashamed everyday going to a "meeting". I don't know if that is even true, probably just my inner self talking negative. Perhaps I am afraid to go because suddenly sh&t gets real...
I appreciate every single one of you who read this and/or have commented. It helps.