MCESaint

Been spending some time with DS and AW - together and with AW alone.

First, AW and I took DS to see Santa - it was a pleasant day. As good as can be expected under the circumstances (she's living in a SoberLiving house; I have an order of protection for DS that gives AW only supervised visits with him).

Second, I picked up AW form her SoberLiving House and brought her to DS pre-school for their Christmas program. That too was pleasant (until the end, more below)

Third, AW and I went shopping for Christmas presents for the kids (DD 18 y.o.; DS 4 y.o.) -- we're not divorced (no action pending) and I didn't want to play that game of I got them better presents (because I have a job and money and she doesn't). That started ok and ended on a sour note.

So, DD's Christmas program: Go to drop her off at Sober Living house and DS son says something like "Merry Christmas" to her and her response is "What's "merry" about it"??" or something like that. I didn't say anything in response.

Yeah, I get it life sucks for AW right now -- the SoberLiving house is full of recovering addicts, you share a room, etc. But, at least you have a roof over your head, etc. She's got legal problems and possible incarceration facing her in the next year, but you're out now and can see DS. Also, its Christmas and he's 4 years old, don't be a "Debbie Downer".

Now, Christmas shopping with her for the kids. When we were going to the stores, she said "we both know where this is going" - to which I said "I haven't made any decision to file for divorce; but if you have please say so." Silence.

Then she says "you just don't get we're not a family anymore." And I say to her, I don't think there are any rules about what is or is not "a family" - we can choose how we do this, no matter what transpires between you and me with respect to a divorce. [ note, I know family's were the ex-H or ex-W is still invited over for Xmas day or eve so the kids see both parents able to get along - I admit, it's not usual; but again, there are no rules about how people do this).


When we finished I offered to take her back to her SoberLiving facility - which she accepted. On the way there, she learned they had moved her to another house nearby, but she didn't have the code and she had to kill an hour. So, I said "do you want to grab a late lunch?" And she said "yes."

We order - it's a Steak 'n Shake (so sit down fast food). And we're talking and I say "Yeah, DS's daycare is closed from 12/21 to 1/2 - so there are some days I have to work and get DD to watch DS during the day."

And she's says "can I help watch him during those days?"

If you've been following my posts, you know that we JUST got a court order saying that AW gets supervised visitation with DS only. She's only been "sober" (AFAIK) since 10/5, so about 75 days +/-. So I say: "well if your mom or someone else is around."

Clearly, she's upset by this -- goes to the restroom. Comes back gets her food boxed to go. And says she's taking the bus to her new SoberLiving House.

I don't argue -- I just eat my lunch and let her do her thing. Seemed irrational to me -- it was raining and cold out here yesterday, but if that's what you feel you gotta do, then I'm not here to stop you.

To me, AW being alone with DD is a "boundary." She knows this. The order/agreement is in effect for the next 9 months.

To me, AW knew she was walking into a "electric fence" with that question and should have expected to get shocked by my response.

Or maybe not, maybe she thought I'd say "yes, ok, you can watch DS alone during those days." To me, it would not have been RATIONAL for her to think that given what we just did in Court a few days back, but ....

In any case, I'm just going to take a step back from contacting her for a bit except when necessary (exchanging DD, etc.).

MCE Saint