Allowing my spouse to be angry at the alcoholics in my life
In all of my enabling behavior and not standing up for my own life and relationship, my spouse has really taken an emotional beating. He became the scapegoat when he tried to join the family when we were first dating, and they rejected him because he was firm with boundaries (he has his own abuse history). They didn't like this and I was caught in the middle. I didn't have the tools to stand up to them and took the guilt and their feelings for "causing the collapse of the family" by choosing a partner that they didn't like. After 10 years of being together, I am finally releasing my grip to not control how everyone should be reacting to each other, and is allowing him to have his own feelings about it. It's painful that he doesn't want to see my parents anymore, and I am struggling with how to navigate the coming holidays, where they just want togetherness. This will be my second xmas without going there to see them, and it's hard, because I just want everyone to get along. But I see how when I prioritize seeing them over my spouse's needs, it makes him feel like I am shafting him. So even though it's hard and I have a ton of guilt, I think my parents are finally getting the picture, and I just heard that they started therapy, something they adamantly avoided, saying it was all my fault. This is a huge step forward, but I know that there is a long road ahead. We are to the point where we can't even talk about my family it has burned us so much and he gets so triggered by it. How do I not feel like I'm leading a double life if I talk to my family, while also honoring the hurt my husband is feeling?