And the AV rears its ugly head.
Quite some time ago, probably 2 years or so, I lost (misplaced, probably while stoned) my paraphernalia box. I knew at some point I would find it and after I got sober, I wondered how I would react when I found it again.
Well, today was the day. I was busy at the time, looked in it, discovered the contents and set it aside to finish my tasks. And all that time, I kept thinking...
Was there actually weed in it? (it's a jumbled mess, there could have been anything in there)
I knew there was resin, certainly enough to do the job for I hadn't smoked in over a year and a half.
When I got a moment, I briefly rummaged through the box and thought,"Why am I even considering this? I've done so well, I'm healthy and happy."
So I pulled out my other box. My toolbox. I pulled out the tool called "playing the tape".
I thought about how I'd feel if I gave in. It certainly wasn't pleasant last time I smoked. My heart pounded and I felt woozy and not in a good way.
And then I remembered the monkey on the back syndrome and having pot constantly on my mind, living my life around weed. Panicking when my stash got low or run out. Why would I want to go back there?
I threw the box away. The entire episode from finding the box to throwing it away took maybe 15 minutes. But I was a bit shocked by it all.
I really considered picking up.
I know it takes time to make that turnaround. Some longer than others. But I was hoping I had achieved that level of revulsion that I wouldn't even consider getting high.
I still have a ways to go, obviously.
But after today, I think I've taken another step.