I can define myself from the moment I stopped drinking to that I was before.
Why did I drink, knowing it was destructive, damaging, hurtful etc? I cannot in all honesty answer that except to say addiction IS a sickness-and it defines no rules.
I do know that now I am more the'real' me than at anytime before- including before drinking.
I know that I did what I did- because I was a very, very sick person. I am accountable and responsible for all I did whilst drinking- no excuses. I do not hide behind the mantle of 'I am an alcoholic- I was sick and so am not to blame'..I did bad stuff.
The distinction is I did bad stuff and I was very sick- not because I was a bad person. This point has been driven home so often to me by health professionals- from psychiatrists, to expert addiction counsellors. They emphasise to me to judge myself as being a bad person- is a dysfunctional block to a my recovery- which feeds into relapse. Next time I will stay dead.. To turn guilt and shame- into remorse and positive action not to do bad things ever again.
I cannot recoup the past, but now I try to be a little bit more a better person today- than the one before- to 'do no harm' and help others as is appropriate.
I am well aware of the dangers of relapse- and posts like yours helps remind me of the depths of despair and hell I descended to.
Thanks.