Originally Posted by
DShe 
I am afraid of the irrational and rational. What will happen? This constant loop of every horrible thing. No physical abuse but emotionally I am drained. And yes I fear physical abuse when I leave. If he was sober--no. I do not trust blackout behavior. I have been working on taking care of all I can finance wise. Wish I was in a better place with it but actually the longer I wait the greater likelihood it will just get worse some new drama will cause even greater financial strain. My heart pounds with anxiety.
You should absolutely contact your local domestic violence center. You can get more information here:
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1−800−799−7233
Please don't be afraid to call them, this is what they do, they are professionals and deal with this every day. If you just want to chat or get local contact details you don't even need to tell them your name.
They will give you a plan to get out safely.
When you feeling afraid there is no reason not to reach out for help. There are people out here that want to help you and that care, you aren't alone.
As you said, you are emotionally drained and that won't get better staying as you are. It's probably why you have stayed as long as you have? Emotional abuse is still abuse.
There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself. Do you have any trusted family members you can stay with, even short term? That might enable you to make a quick exit right now to someplace safe. Definitely make that call though and get their advice, for your own peace of mind if nothing else.
They are open 24 hours a day every day.