A for Effort
Two years sober today and what have I learnt? That life isn’t meant to be easy. It never was and never will be easy. For anyone. And that’s kind of the point. This isn’t eutopia…. maybe one day we’ll all end up in our own personalised versions of paradise but right now this is where we are. And as soon as I accepted that life isn’t meant to be easy, it became a little …well, easier.
Life sends everyone tests. Everyone. Without exception. Rich, poor, old, young, drunk, sober…. everyone has to sit the tests. Some of the tests are life-changing, some of them are fairly trivial but they keep coming. And they’re always going to keep coming. When I was drinking, I wasn’t even turning up to sit half my tests. I knew the tests were going on but I always had an excuse for why I wasn’t giving them the attention they required. Some seemed too hard for me… some didn’t seem worthy of my time… and I always had this misplaced expectation that despite doing none of the necessary work, I somehow deserved to pass. I felt cheated every time I failed another one of life’s tests. I felt sorry for myself and convinced myself that my tests were just that little bit harder than everyone else’s.
Two years ago, I sat in my car, hit my rock bottom and considered killing myself. I didn’t kill myself that day. Instead I stopped drinking. And the tests kept coming. I’d love to be able to say that sobriety propelled me straight to the top of the class; that I started passing every test with flying colours... but this is real life and the truth is, sometimes my performance still leaves a lot to be desired. But I turn up for every test now and I seem to have developed a level of pride. I evaluate my performance after each test and think of ways that I can do better next time. And the great thing about life is that it doesn’t seem to expect perfection from me. Two years ago, life slowly seemed to notice my new attitude… my 100% attendance at every test, my determination to try my best… and I slowly started to notice my rewards.
Physical rewards came first. Better sleep led to increased energy which led to motivation to exercise which resulted in a leaner, fitter body. My skin became clear, my eyes sparkled… people started commenting on how well I looked. Then I focused some of my new energy on my performance at work. My mind became sharper and my concentration and memory improved. My boss noticed and I was promoted, cleared my debt and started saving. The tests kept coming … but so did the rewards. And now the rewards were different… not so obvious to other people but life-changing for me. I started discovering who I am as a person, what makes me tick. I’ve learnt that too much negativity hurts my soul. I’ve cut toxic people out of my life and instead focus all my energy on the people who bring me joy. Life has become simpler. I recognise what is important and what isn’t. I’ve learnt to set boundaries and how to understand and control my anger. Meditation and yoga have helped me face the reasons why I drank the way I did and in so doing, I’ve learnt to value myself, my opinions and my core beliefs. One of the most important things I’ve learnt is that I provide validation for myself now so there’s no need to seek it elsewhere. And that’s when I started to become brave. I’m a person who stands up for what she believes in now and whilst this is not always easy, there is no greater feeling than knowing I am being my true, authentic self. Perhaps the best reward of all… so far… is that I’m now physically, mentally and emotionally present when life sends tests for my children which means I’m always available to offer them guidance and support. I’m able to share what I have learnt… that self-pity, regret and resentment are no help when it comes to sitting life’s tests. Positivity, compassion and gratitude – that’s what is needed to pass.
And in between the tests, I’ve started to notice something about this place I find myself living. It may not be eutopia but there is beauty everywhere. The moon, stars, mountains, oceans, trees, sunshine, humour, joy, love, people on this site – you don’t need to look very far to find something incredible. And these days I’m filled with wonder and enthusiasm and excitement and gratitude for my life. It may not be perfect but it’s my life and I love it and I want to do everything I can to protect it. And if that means turning up for every test from now on and trying my best, that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
Two years sober today and to celebrate I’d like to invite you to sit a test with me today. It’s a special test designed specifically for people like us. Are you ready? Let’s do this. Let’s not drink today. Because as long as we pass that test, there really is no limit to what we can go on to achieve.