hello from 3 years out
Hi everyone,
It's been almost exactly 3 years since I left my AH of 20 years. The first year post-split the mediator and I got him to use Soberlink when he had our kids; during the next two years I tried to get him to agree to reasonable divorce terms. After many months of negotiations, our (third!) very experienced mediator told me, in confidence, that my ex is the angriest, stingiest, most miserable person he's worked with, and that even if the terms aren't equitable, getting away from AH is a huge achievement. Now we're waiting for the judge's stamp.
Meanwhile I do my job, take care of my daughters who are THRIVING since their dad and I split (anyone who thinks kids aren't resilient or that they'd prefer living with an alcoholic and another parent who is trying to protect them, feel free to message me), work out and walk my dog, meditate, and gaze at the ocean from the refuge I found when I was ready to leave.
AH has found a new GF/enabler, and he continues to drink. That's why I'm posting.
For anyone who is holding out hope that the A will change, that if they just give him one more chance, or try something different . . . . What I would tell myself from the future is to give it up. The sooner you can visualize your healthy future and start to make it happen, the better.
It's only recently that I'm realizing how much AH's put-downs and anger and abuse affected me; how I had started to doubt my own intelligence and capability. He's still trying to do it: if I say "no" to one of his unreasonable requests having to do with our divorce, he claims that I'm "unresponsive," "crazy," or, most recently, "a blood-sucking money hungry parasite on our family." He apparently cannot hear the word "no."
What I finally realized after five years of trying to change my AH was what I still focus on today: the only person you can change is yourself.