I'm not really sure what I have to add, other than I'm two months into recovery and I'm definitely still in the early high stages of it all. My emotions overall are all over the place, though there are definitely way more highs than lows. Before when I drank, I thought I knew how to be happy, or sad or angry. BUt looking back, I realise I was just mostly numb. I barely felt, I didn't dream, I didn't interact with the world.
I thought I had a great relationship with my friends and work and life. But I've come to see that I was just using all of them, using them as a way towards my next drinking session. And that slowly evolved into being happy binge drinking by myself, listening to music or watching films. Because drinking became the only way I actually felt something. I felt...calm? Or happy? I don't know how to describe it.
But now it's like I know what real emotions are, like when I'm happy, I'm over the moon. And it can come from nowhere, like I'm walking down the street and I just start smiling. But when I'm sad or angry, it's like the dial is turned to 11. I've noticed I've a shorter temper. I was always quite shy, and with drinking, my inhibitions were lowered, and it was great. When I drank. Being sober in between the drinking sessions i was worse than ever. Being sober sober now, it's become a balancing act, I've had to learn how to control my nerves and my anxiety and social shyness, but I'm actually not as bad as I thought. It'll make my skin crawl to do something, but I'll do it. Before, I never would.
And me time. Oh my god, having time to yourself. And not drinking. I actually look back and think how i ever managed to fit drinkinging in
the first week or so, i had to consciously fill in my time, eat constantly to curb the cravings, but now, I naturally want to get up and do stuff, get out of the house on the weekends. Or even be happy in my own company on a night in and watch a TV show. Dreaming again for the first time in about 7 years is still an adjustment, and I know it's only been two months, but I couldn't be more thankful, and even proud, of myself.
Reading the posts here everyday helps so much, watching people go through the same thing. So thank you. Even if you don't know it, you've been a great help!!
