Back to square one
Hello kind people. Not been posting here but was reading from time to time. All seemed to be fine. Smoking score 0 on friday test. Exercising. Life hard but was dealing with trauma. What triggered. I had one sleepless night with no minute able to sleep but i sticked to plan . Went to gym that day. First time i felt there was smthg not right. I felt very weak at class but made it. I started feeling like bursting into tears so i recognised it was emotional. Visited friend. And second night no sleep and panicks attacks. I started feeling angry at my husband and analysing last year situation and shouted eureka i suffer from ptsd after all trauma. So i was thinking maybe make app to doctor and ask for medication for sleep and sedatives. I realised i would expierience symtoms for a while after. Talked myself that it would be bad idea as medication would mask problems the same as alcohol. Silly girl. I made up decision i just have couple of beer just to sleep and i slept. I was not in denial . It meant to be one off to just sleep that night. Of course next morning anxiety worse ..binge. the same pattern sitting alone and crying ashamed. I realise first problem is drinking here. Prepared myself i would expierience depression anxiety insomnia for a long time before it would ease. I do not know how i managed to stop but i managed. Day one. Yes i m scared of withdrawals but first 16 hours passed. I know going to doc is not an idea as i live alone and i have to do it myself. When i stop i stop. I do not function on any substance mind altering. I know this and only teetotal lifestyle works for me. I m terrified of possible future slip as this time i was struggling to stop. I m in bed counting hours ...back to counting hours. My instinct is telling me i m not gonna make another slip. So how to make plan works for future that nobody and nothing would make me to take first sip. My answer ...fighting for life should be my priority. It is not funny ..it is matter of life and death. Other wordly matters i must treat as secondary. I decided to write today to be honest. I m an addict and addiction must be my first priority. Folks were saying you are not an addict you just self medicate situation. I d rather be an addict as if i take first sip i cannot stop. Guilt enhances anxiety and hamster on the wheel is back. So going through this day. I need to post here every day as at the beginning. When i was doing well i forgot i had illness. Caught in life and more happy i stopped posting. I d come and read but there were days i would not even check the site . I thought i made it for good and can focus on other staff. This is how mind tricks us. Thanks for reading and being x D