You remind me me a lot of myself. I have terrible anxiety....terrible. Sometimes I think I prefer to be alone because it is easier. Like you I want friends but my anxiety comes through and I know people don't get me. I try ...I really do. I started going to these little womans group in our neighborhood. I forced myself to go and my husband was happy to see me make the effort to meet people. You know after going to about 6 of them and being miserable while i was there .... I asked myself why. I don't think the few people I am close to will ever understand me. I have a good friend of mine who I was there for during a very dark period of her life....she is thankful for me being there for her. Now I am going through a rough time with one of my children...and you know what....she is just not there for me....I think she thinks I am just being neurotic. I am so hurt....I just need to distance myself I think. Like you I do have a husband who understands me. I think I would have jumped off a bridge if it had not been for him. I feel so alone some times. Like you I never would drink to party.....I just wanted temporary relief from my anxiety...just a few hours you know. I know I am all over the place with my post. I just want you to know I feel your pain....I really do. Hugs to you....