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Welcome back Poppy .
I found SR in April 2010 , … and having little , to no , experience on a keyboard , … and definitely no experience on a forum of any kind ,.... this site has been invaluable over the years .
One thing ,... that helped me ( twice ) ,...since I had a relapse in 2014 ,...was to join the Monthly Threads here at SR .
It gave me an opportunity to engage on more of a " continuum " ...if that's the right word !?? .
Like you , I had a longer period of sobriety in my 30 's ,.... [ 7 years ] ,.. and found a way to convince myself drinking again would be alright .
Something you said ; * It was a way to hold on, feel loved, and try to get my emotional needs met . *
….pretty well describes my thoughts at the time .
Have you ever ventured down to the section here exploring AVRT ?