Day 6
So I'm on day 6 of withdrawal from alcohol. All the typical moderate withdrawal symptoms: shakes, sweating, headache, anxiety, racing thoughts, nausea, cravings, insomnia. I've been a member here for a while although I haven't posted often. I was sober from August 2014 to March 2017 although I now see that I exhibited some 'dry drunk' tendencies during that time. Namely not being honest with myself, living in denial rather than facing things I was unwilling to see, and becoming complacent in my recovery. In January 2017 something happened to set a ball in motion that eventually shook me to my foundation. All my denial exposed, I spent a good amount of time alone, a lot of time crying, walking trails, trying to learn how to accept things I couldn't change and stop grasping so hard at control, especially of other people. I read a lot about codependency. Then I started drinking again with my husband (also alcoholic). We were going through a very difficult time with a possible separation in the works after 23 years. It was a way to hold on, feel loved, and try to get my emotional needs met (yes, a bad way, I know). In March 2017 I got my first ever DUI/OWI after blowing a .08 It seemed like poetic justice as I had driven drunk so many times with a BAC no doubt much higher than that. It was reduced to reckless driving but I've been struggling to get and stay sober ever since. A month here, a few weeks there. Before I quit from '14-'17, I'd already had two other serious attempts under my belt lasting several months each. I have been to meetings. Many meetings in different parts of town but I did not feel comfortable and the crowds overwhelmed me. I have read every memoir and 'stop drinking' book available: Allan Carr, Annie Grace, Craig Beck, Leslie Jameson, even James Frey, whose book first introduced me to the fact that other people struggled like I did. Earlier this year, on my 40th birthday, I got a small tattoo of the phrase, "no matter what," as a reminder of my commitment to not use alcohol or drugs that day no matter what, to keep returning to the present moment no matter what, and to never giving up trying to get sober no matter what I had done or how long or how bad. I've read about PAWS and I typically experience almost all of those horrible symptoms on and off during the first few months, then again at 6 months, and even at a year. I am trying to create a plan that works this time. So far it includes: starting therapy, reading more, and being active on here. Reading the experiences of others gives me strength. I have a very hard time getting out of my own head. I know I need to try harder at this than anything I've ever tried before. I don't think my plan is enough.