I kind of stopped reading and posting here a while back (four years it seems!), but have been thinking lately about posting an epilogue here, finally getting around to it. The short version is we are now divorced, the process went about as well as I could have expected, and I have moved on with my life.
The longer version is we were separated for three years, with less and less frequent contact between us. In retrospect, I think I had reached the point of no return well before the separation. I had plenty of work to do with myself to recover, and had no real desire to date anyone else through most of that time. Finally though, when we hit the three year mark, it seemed unhealthy to let the situation continue that way, and I suggested that it was time for us to let go and divorce, which we did.
I have to admit I disliked going to Alanon meetings, but I found the overall message very useful, and reading the literature was a godsend. I went to meetings for about a year after the separation. I had taken the advice about self-care, and had rekindled my involvement in the hobbies and interests that I had let go during the dark times. It was truly difficult to restart some of that, as the depression I felt over my situation had robbed me of much energy and will power. But - I found that it was easier each time and soon I had an active life back, which helped so much in letting go of the negative energy and resentments that had seemed to take over my consciousness while living with the AW.
I've now been divorced for nearly a year, have been dating some, and really feel like I have a completely different life than what I had before. The house is truly mine now, I got over the idea that I would want to move somewhere else to change the scenery. I've dated a few women, taken on some major projects, and am grateful each day that my waking life is no longer affected by the chaos and uncertainty. I hear stories from family and friends that the ex is still drinking and drugging, but I no longer feel part of the drama, and wish her the best. It's tragic that she can't seem to break free, but I have finally got it through my thick skull that it simply ain't my business.
The hardest thing for me to do in all of this was reconcile my feelings about the commitment of marriage. In that we agree to "in sickness and in health," and I struggled to understand where my responsibilities begin and end with the disease of alcoholism. My desire to honor my commitment was strong, and I had a hard time finding the way to let myself off that hook. I ultimately had to decide that her inability to honor her half of that commitment, and her unwillingness to seek help and recovery, was effectively that choice on her part, and I was just taking the steps of making it official. I've moved past it emotionally, but I still believe that it is something that merits discussion. I think it would help many people in situations like mine figure out how to let go.
I am grateful to my friends from Alanon and those of you on this site who helped me navigate my situation. I got through it in my own time and in my own way, and have no real regrets. The process of self-discovery in all of this has helped me be a better person, and better understand my own weaknesses and flaws, which is helping me make better choices in my life - I think - lol - as I go forward.
Again, thank you.