I'm sorry for your loss and the rough time, Krews.
The point was, for me, I knew I deserved a better life, and I knew I could do better with the life I'd been given.
I'm glad I got sober and stayed that way - it was hard in the beginning but really no harder than trying to juggle my alcoholic drinking.
The secret I think is having support - and using it when you need it - and maybe changing as much as you can in your life those feelings, situations or triggers that make you feel like giving in.
I believe you can do this Krews
D