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Old 09-06-2018, 06:04 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Hawking22
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: California
Posts: 182
Oh, you're singing my song! I only drank for oblivion, complete and utter abandonment. I woke up each day in a state of worry, bitterness and a chip on my shoulder for feeling like I had to constantly prove myself to the world. I gave everything I had and was to my job, my clients, my relationships, wanting to save everyone, wanting to be a hero, constantly seeking approval and acknowledgement. I wore my blazer, painted face and smile everyday and every night I came home with my bottle and my **** eating grin. I created this world around myself, absolute hell where I could give no cares, push whatever buttons I wanted to and flirt with and antagonize boundaries. It's sick how much I prided myself on being the virtuous Dr. Jekyll, but I craved being Mr. Hyde and fueling that fire even though I was burning from within , slowly watching everything go up in flames around with me a sick satisfaction. I still crave it sometimes. I hate being the caring, loving individual I am now sometimes. The one doing heavy lifting working on myself, as I shake my fists wanting the wall to move for me.

That is the inner turmoil and journey a lot of us must face, putting the beast to death. It's a fight not for the faint of heart. But I think each moment of clarity and awareness we experience, like the one you did, pushes another move on the chess board. Thank you for your post <3
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