Welcome Tealstars. I'm sorry for the painful time you're going through.
I tried for years to moderate. I was desperate to not give it up all together - but why? It was a miserable habit that brought me nothing but pain. Every time it was in my system I behaved recklessly & put myself in danger. Once I realized I could never have just one, I was able to get free. There's a better life waiting for you - we're here to help. Knowing your not alone will make a difference.