I know how you feel, I really do...it's what kept me drinking for much longer than I should have...even when I did end up alone on my island, drinking by myself on the patio at night. It's all I had, and damn, was it good to be numb....at least I thought it was...I've currently never been faced with more debt and financial consequences, I have like no friends basically, I'm unemployed having messed up my career opportunities not once but twice in the last nine months, I'm going through all these weird GI issues with no insurance basically and I don't have any family to lean on. Sitting here at 58 days, and I still wouldn't trade it to go back.
I'm definitely not in the best situation or the best version of myself, but holy hell, I never knew sobriety would feel this good. Yes, the mental clarity, the way lowered anxiety (didn't realize how impactful the booze was on that!) and the not having to do damage control over my actions is gold. But the biggest gift I've found is I'm noticing I actually give a crap about myself. I'm actually acting in self-preservation subconsciously instead of having a "who gives a crap?" eff the world, cynical attitude. That gives me hope that life is worth living, that I won't feel like every day is a punishment and I'm stuck here for another X amount of years. And I'm finally excited for something, even if it is getting my gassy, unemployed, lonely ass down this sober journey. I used to roll my eyes when people would post on here or tell me in AA, "no trust me, it's so much better sober, whatever you have going on is so much better to handle sober". Yeah, okay...try my life and meet me. But I'm laughing because IT'S TRUE!!
Our ego ("You haven't met my problem, my situation is different"), our fear ("it's not going to work, I can't possibly face this") and our pride ("Why do I have to change? I'm not climbing that wall, the wall should move for me") are our biggest obstacles to our disease and most problems in general. Do a 180 and challenge yourself to fight them.
I'm glad you're on here and posting and reaching out. Drink if you must, but that inner voice and nagging realization isn't going to go away, it's pushing you to where you need to be. I say cheers to a new thirst...I would bet you won't regret it.