Morning Snufkin, been following along too and sending empathy and support to you. I didn't terrible things to myself in every way too.
I had to be completely done with that life. It took years and pain and damage to relationships and....but I truly believe that once I wanted to be sober ,ore than I wanted to drink and take what I saw as a risk on a different life, everything started to change.
Please keep talking to us. Really reallllly good suggestions above for immediate and practical stuff, and longer term recovery.