I think the first step is always to stop drinking. Always.
I know that it only takes a short time for my mental health to deteriorate, for my eating disorder to make an appearance and for my general well-being to fall apart. It's taken me so long to accept that I cannot change the way I drink and I can't drink without ruining my ife.
Maybe working on acceptance might be the place to start? Do you have any help (professional or groups or anything?) Doing it alone is really hard. Maybe it's time to reach out? Especially if you are having thoughts about suicide.
Normal is one of those terms too, I don't know I believe it exists but happy is something to strive for. xx