Old 08-22-2018, 07:59 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
lessgravity
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,893
Originally Posted by BrandNewDay11 View Post
Hey LG! The reality of all that I neglected to get drunk weighs heavily on me as well. In my case I've been overcompensating in an attempt to "catch up". Of course I can never get back all of the lost moments, opportunities, and memories that drinking took from me, but the awareness of all that I wasted to get wasted definitely motivates me to push myself to go the extra mile these days.

Another thing I've noticed is that the further away I get from my past drinking life the clearer the depths of how bad I actually was becomes, which in turn stirs up a strange new feeling in me. It's similar to what it might feel like to literally dodge a bullet, or to have successfully walked a tightrope across two tall buildings. I find myself thinking things like "I can't believe my husband didn't leave me, he must've been SO close..." or wondering how my kids put up with me, how my liver survived with so much booze, etc etc. They're not necessarily good feelings but they definitely strengthen the disgust I now feel at even the thought of ever getting drunk again.
I could have wrote both of these, with the gender swap on the spouse of course ha.

As to the second sentiment, yes I find myself thinking that although I've saved myself from what was going to be certain loss, suffering and diminishment, that I still am that same "self" - with its same complexes and patterns which resulted from/led to/burnished my addiction to alcohol. But dealing with that "self" is the work of one's life in the end, right?

Really glad to see you around again, hope you find the time to post more.
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