Well I can certainly understand. I was embarrassed by my slips. I would lie to people and tell them I was sober. This went on for years.
Finally, I asked the God of my understanding, for help put my pride aside
and called AA.
I had a few slips after that, but my drinking had been ruined by attending meetings.
I was a bad drunk by then, too. I simply could not quit on my own and I was desperate.
My life was circling the drain.
I'm glad you're here again. I've found this place invaluable and I've been sober nine and a half years now.
Stories like yours help me stay sober. I've been where you are and don't want to go back, so thank you for positing.
I had to quit more than I wanted to drink, and it took me a long
time to get to the precarious situation I was in. Live or die.
I really hope you can stop before you get that far. Take my word for it, it's a waking nightmare.
So best to you and hope you keep posting.