That is obviously the right thing to do Dee, I am just in such a paranoid state right now. I recently got a certificate from my psychiatrist stating I am in good mental health and totally capable of parenting my children which has opened the door for a more normal schedule with them. I am overjoyed at returning to the routine we once had.
I feel so judged by everyone around me- everyone. Since the DUI 2 months ago I have felt overwhelming pressure to prove to everyone I am going to be fine. I feel absolutely everything I still have left- and am gaining back- depends on my ability to mentally hold it together.
I have mostly succeeded in this effort. I have taken care of every appointment, every everything by riding km and kms on my bike in 35 degree heat. I am SUPER with my kids. I am eating healthy, back in karate, praying, meditating, AAing, talk to my sponsor nearly daily, Italian psychologist, American psychologist, psychiatrist, I bought a cargo bike (way cool by the way) to get my kids around, it should be delivered next week, I am taking my meds, I am looking for work while working my summer gig. I am doing it all, I have to do it all. I am absolutely TERRIFIED that if I let one piece of the puzze go it is all going to come crashing down. Everyone around me is in control right now, I have zero control. My ex, the court, my doctors.
The only thing that allows me to go on like this is sheer momentum. I just go go go without thinking and push through. This is why the mornings scare me so much, I cannot get pulled into a negative cycle for a I fear I will never make it out.