Originally Posted by
dearsobriety 
I suffer from 'pure ocd' as well. It started when I was very young as well. When I was younger it was mostly checking... Checking if the doors are locked, checking to make sure appliances were turned off or unplugged.... I would even take my hair straightener in the car to work some days because I would "get stuck" on it and couldn't leave the house because I couldn't be sure it was unplugged. When I got into my 20's the pure obsessional OCD set in. I didn't even know that was a form of OCD... I thought I was just going insane until I saw an OCD specialist and started group therapy where we did extensive CBT and ERP work. My anxiety disorder was a big reason for my drinking as well. My mind would go non-stop and it got to the point I would call in sick to work just because my OCD was so debilitating. It comes in waves. But a few years ago I started drinking excessively to drown all of these thoughts only to wake up being more anxious from drinking to just continue drinking again to numb the pain. It was a vicious cycle. I am sober almost 4 months now and I can say I am surprised at how good of a handle I have on my anxiety and OCD right now. I practice all of the methods I learned in therapy and my anxiety is actually a lot better without drinking. Alcohol was only fueling the fire. Not many people are aware of the pure obsessional form of OCD and how agonizing it can be. If you ever want to chat, I am here because I totally understand what you are going through. Keep pushing through. Things will get better!
I could have written every word of this!
I started the same as you, it was more ritualistic at first, carrying out rituals and checking routines to avoid danger / otherwise I would die or something would happen to my family. And like you, when the pure-o developed I thought I was evil and was going mad, I considered killing myself many times. I was drinking heavily around the time it developed (about 15 years ago at a v traumatic time) and I spiralled from there.
I didn't know what it was until 3 years ago when I was pregnant, and started seeing a specialist perinatal team (who diagnosed me with OCD). I never told anybody about the intrusive thoughts, I was too ashamed (even though I'd had mental health support throughout my life for depression and anxiety), but somehow my psychologist just knew and it was such a relief when I was able to say these things out loud and know it was an illness and not me. It saved my life, I was sober at the time (I didn't have a drink until my baby was 4 months, then it slowly crept back in). I was so so well, I was able to manage my illness better than ever, I was able to deal with the intrusive thoughts effectively. Drinking makes them go away at that moment (but actually makes me very maudlin and sad as well) but over time, the more I drink the more frequent and intense the OCD symptoms are, therefore the bigger temptation to drink. I think you are right about OCD being misunderstood - I HATE when people say 'I'm a bit OCD cos I like to tidy up' and when I've told people I have OCD they treat it as a bit of a joke. No I don't wash my hands all the time and my house is a mess! It's debilitating, lonely and frightening. You can't escape from yourself, it's terrifying.
I am so glad you are enjoying sobriety and doing well, keep up the good work!
