Originally Posted by
suki44883 
There are a number of things that stood out to me in your post. One is that you must realize that no one drives an alcoholic to drink. They drink because they are alcoholics. So don't think "your lifestyle" causes him to drink. It doesn't. He drinks because he is an alcoholic. His ex-wife keeping his children away from him doesn't make him drink. He drinks because he is an alcoholic.
Thank you Suki...I agree with what you say... I'm aware that I didn't drive him to drink but I do blame myself for making him unhappy at times... :/ and sometimes being too critical of him. This would make him feel discouraged... and weak in my eyes which I could see saddened him... I could sense he felt like a failure to me, and sometimes he told me he didn't ever feel good enough for me... so when he'd be honest like that, and would cry to me telling me how sorry he is for the way he has treated me, I would feel hope that maybe soon, he would have some kind of breakthrough! But I can't keep waiting for that...!
Originally Posted by
suki44883 My suggestion is that you cut ties with this toxic man and take care of yourself. He has absolutely nothing to offer you. .
Everything you say resonates... it's just so hard not to remember the good aspects of him. He did a lot for me... he was very practical and mechanical minded, and as much as he would say things like, 'my lifestyle stresses him', he would also be incredibly supportive of my work... he had good days and bad days... but i do keep blaming myself for his bad days! I keep doing that... and I don't know how to undo that yet.