Originally Posted by
trailmix 
Hi Pathway to free - what you see in someone is a mirror to you.
Kidding!
Hey now!
I don't think the intent of any of the Al-Anon wisdom you have shared is for you to be beaten up by anyone at any time.
My former AA sponsor taught me to sort of let them beat up on me, let them treat me the way they want to treat me, and I am supposed to just let it not effect me. Just sort of take it without making it about me. I don't think that's a healthy way to be. She did not want me to stick up for myself, or to call them out on abusive behavior. I was just not supposed to respond.
It was my former therapist who taught me to have more self-respect and walk away. (Hmm some days I wonder if I made a mistake leaving him, but well it's tricky... he brought up something that I didn't want to talk about, and I couldn't communicate that to him. It was my fault. He was just trying to help me heal.) But even though he was also in AA, he did not want me to stand for toxic FOO behavior. He even gave me permission to leave restaurants if I wanted to. My AA sponsor would never have been happy with that.
Now I don't know if it's a relative and you therefore feel like you shouldn't just stop the relationship, but even if it is I would certainly cut down to one line answers, not sharing any details of your life and ideally, very very little contact at all.
Yes, it's a relative.
Your suggestions is exactly what my former therapist would have said!! :-)
Yay!! Thank you for that permission.
My AA sponsor sort of saw some of her toxic behavior from my 4th step. She actually validated that yes, she was a bully toward me my entire life. However, she did not seem to want me to ever stand my ground. Now that I have much more time away from my former AA group and am looking at stuff in hindsight, I see more clearly how much what my former therapist said was healthier for me, than what my former AA sponsor and group members had said to me.
If no contact isn't desirable you might want to google "gray rock method"
No contact isn't desirable, although it was when I was working on recovery. I sort of view it this way: Going no contact got me out of, and away from, the tornado of my FOO. Now that I've healed from that storm, I can advance back toward it a little bit, with caution.
AA folks seem to have no concept of toxic FOO. That's why I was hoping to get an AA/Alanon or Alanon perspective.
I will definitely google "gray rock method". :-)
Thanks everyone!!
