Originally Posted by
Bernadette 
Am I really supposed to be kind, loving, tolerant, and patient at the expense of my own SELF RESPECT?!?!?!?!?!
Absolutely not!!
Thank you!!! I don't know why I needed to hear that from someone else. I think my former AA group just messed with my head, that I need to be nice all the time even with toxic people.
First of all, what a crappy dynamic with your family member. I hate that push/pull one day I'm nice and the next I'm embarrassing you in public. It is really tough to deal with and a hallmark of an abusive and toxic person.
Oh my gosh.
Light bulb moment.
I've never heard it explained this way before.
I see it clearly now.
It sounds like you have a lot of tools in your belt from your recovery work. I think the question isn't what AA or AlAnon or any program "tells" you to do. The question is what does your own gut tell you to do?
Ooh I like this. :-)
My gut says, "PTF, stop being this person's bitch. Stand up on your two feet and if you don't feel like answering the email, then don't. Let her bitch and whine or whatever she'll do about it. If she makes fun of you for flaking at not answering her email, so what. It doesn't matter. It's a reflection of HER and not you."
There is a wide open neutral filed between being harsh and cutting someone off, and being overly kind. You can just choose to be neutral, a "grey rock" I've heard it described as on here.
A grey rock? I'm intrigued.
It was actually suggested many years ago by a psychologist to cut this person off. She has absolutely zero boundaries. She has never, ever respected my privacy/personal life. It's difficult to discuss here or explain the level of toxicity she has. She's a miserable human being. But AA teaches that I'm supposed to be kind. But my gut says, "be kind to YOURSELF for once."
Any frequent fliers remember that post? About how to respond/not respond? I can't remember who started that thread.! I think it had to do with toxic people.
I would be grateful if someone remembers that thread. I'd love to read more.
Also, doing nothing is OK! Maybe disengage as best you can. We are not meant to be others-centered at the expense of our own mental health, no way, that's codependency!
Again I really needed to read this. Some people I know in AA are so others-centered, that I think they've lost their sense of self.
And yes I understand that as a recovering A you also cannot afford to be self-centered in the way addicts are, but that's not what this is, putting your mental health first also doesn't allow for addiction, so your own mental health has to be A#1.
Again, thank you!!
Do you still have a sponsor in AA or any double winner folks at a meeting you could share/run this by?
I do have an AA sponsor, but I'm not sure she has experience with this. I don't know any double winner folks, but I wish I did! I was hoping a double winner on SR would respond.