Am I really supposed to be kind, loving, tolerant, and patient at the expense of my own SELF RESPECT?!?!?!?!?!
Absolutely not!!
First of all, what a crappy dynamic with your family member. I hate that push/pull one day I'm nice and the next I'm embarrassing you in public. It is really tough to deal with and a hallmark of an abusive and toxic person.
It sounds like you have a lot of tools in your belt from your recovery work. I think the question isn't what AA or AlAnon or any program "tells" you to do. The question is what does your own gut tell you to do?
There is a wide open neutral filed between being harsh and cutting someone off, and being overly kind. You can just choose to be neutral, a "grey rock" I've heard it described as on here.
Any frequent fliers remember that post? About how to respond/not respond? I can't remember who started that thread.! I think it had to do with toxic people.
Also, doing nothing is OK! Maybe disengage as best you can. We are not meant to be others-centered at the expense of our own mental health, no way, that's codependency! And yes I understand that as a recovering A you also cannot afford to be self-centered in the way addicts are, but that's not what this is, putting your mental health first also doesn't allow for addiction, so your own mental health has to be A#1.
Do you still have a sponsor in AA or any double winner folks at a meeting you could share/run this by?
Peace,
B.