Help day 1 again dispeared
Hello kind people ...with sadness and shame i lapsed on day 5 ....i got constant panick attack ...i know its not excuse ... i wanted to sedate just for one evening ...irrational ended up locked crying self neglect .When i broke denial its been over half a year. And i failed each lapse progressed ilness as mental health deteriorated through alcohol. I went to doctor i said what happened and i promised i detox again by myself. Doctor gave me hope .She said im doing all i can just not having too much support and dealing with biggest stressors. She asked me to take antidepressant non addictive and said after couple of weeks will feel better. I never mixed meds with alcohol so never settled on this medication. I m back to former approach recovery first . I cannot deal what is not in my control and without mental and physical strenght. I asked my friend to take me for two weeks to countryside to regenerate a bit and leave this house for a while and not to be alone. I did now 12 hours so started detoxing. Last night i poured whole bottle of wine to sink knowing when worst panick will come at night i would not have will power not to sedate myself. Therefore , night was horrid sleepless but i managed. I m alive ...but health is compromised i just hope body will heal a bit through the days. I drank two bottles of wine over 24 hours white dry couple of days in the row . I could not stop so i reminded myself how i did last time and removed anything containing alcohol from house. Thinking what else i could incorporate to support me. I m really ready to do AA programme but no sponsor and a bit scared i ll have to go over last years regarding work burn out , husband away , all that trauma however i know people who worked with sponsors had higher success rates and going through programme brings integrity back as it is very honest programme. Glad i wrote that i cannot lie hope this was last time i picked up a drink. Apologies it is an essey ... just thinking this site gave me insight and kind people with advice ...doing this again oddat x D